Character: Shrub
(ONE OF THE BUSHES from the forest comes down into the light.)
SHRUB: I'm sorry, can I just say something?
(He looks at himself.)
I'm a shrub.
I really thought that with my training. That I would be maybe a talking animal or something, but I'm a shrub.
And I'm a shrub in the back, too.
There are shrubs without people in them that have better stage positions than I do, I mean...
(He goes back to his original position on the stage.)
Can you see me?
(We can't.)
But then this guy.
(He crosses to one of the downstage bushes.)
He's not even a person.
(He picks up the other bush, and shakes it.)
See?
(He carries the other bush to center stage and sets it down next to him.)
Look at us.
If you had to choose. Who would you put downstage?
Me, right?
My diction is better. My sense of humor. Timing. Two years of tap. And I have an M.F.A! Watch this:
(with thespian gusto:)
"To be or not to be, that is the question.
Whether it is nobler in the mind to be a shrub.
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
A very sea of troubles!
And like the mighty oak in a tempest, to stand
Steadfast and stalwart against those troubles
And by opposing to end them.
To end the troubles. To end the tempest.
To turn back the sea!
That! That is the question!
That is the rub." I mean,
(turns to the other bush:)
I dare you to recite any line from Shakespeare.
(The bush doesn't say anything.)
I mean, look at my competition here. You call this a shrub?
Who did I piss off? Really.
I understand we can't all be Poona the Fuckdog - although I would kill to have that on my resume - I'm not saying I'm too good to play a shrub. I'm not a prima donna. I believe in ensemble. But I really think my talents could be put to better use. I feel I have a contribution to make, you know. And I guess what I'm trying to say is, would it be so wrong for me to move this guy back here.
(Shrub puts the other bush upstage.)
And if I was to be over here?
(Shrub crosses downstage and takes the place of the missing bush.)
I mean, is that asking too much?
See, this is better already. I can feel myself having an impact.
If you thought that was a shrub before, watch this:
(He becomes the quintessential shrub.)
