ELEANOR, late 20’s or early 30’s, sits in a tiny chair to speak with a pair of young parents.
ELEANORE: Thank you both for coming in on such short notice. I know you’re both very busy with your spring kitchen remodeling, but I felt it was important that we had some one on one time. Let me start by saying that little Pomegranate is a truly gifted student. Clearly the breeding of two highly attractive and privileged people such as yourselves has paid off for her. She’s pretty and popular, very polite, has great aptitude for math and vocabulary and all the other subjects we’re forced to bore them with. I think she has what it takes to succeed at a higher level, but in order for her to do that; we all need to go the extra mile. Now, what do I mean by that? I teach an exclusive after school program at the local Celebrity Center and I think Pommy should enroll immediately; before we miss our window and she develops some pesky habit like modesty. I can sense your skepticism, but hear me out before your make a decision. There is something you need to be very clear on when thinking about your daughter’s future. She appears to have all the tools to do well here at the Pre-K level, and for that matter, all the way though higher education. But then what? You and I both know that all that education is only going to set her up for a life filled with constant job hunting in a dead market. In the next ten years there won’t be any jobs left for smart, well rounded people; so why even go down that desolate road, right? Pommy is special… she’s pretty and comes from money… and my program can help set her up for life in the only viable market we have left in this country… reality entertainment. There’s just no need for talent, skill and intelligence in the real world. Let’s leave that nonsense where it belongs, with the middle class. This is about achievement based on nothing, and driving home the core principals of success – Greed, Narcissism, and Selfishness. The whole thing is broken down into four, very short, forty-eight week sessions. Each session is only twenty-nine ninety-five. That’s right, just twenty-nine thousand ninety-five dollars for the path to true success and happiness. Session one lays the ground work for the rest of the training. It’s called “Entitlement: I Deserve it Because.” Now get out that check book and let’s pave the road to Pommy’s future. Next stop, the Teen Choice Awards.